How to choose a paint color: marital tragicomedy in three scenes

SCENE 1

husband: I don't want any blue or gray colors. Our entire house is blue-gray. How about purple?
wife: Purple wouldn't go with anything in our house. How about turquoise, like in our hallway?
husband: Hmm, let's consider it.

SCENE 2

Husband comes home from a paint store with paint swatches: shades of blue-gray-purple.

SCENE 3

wife: But... what about turquoise?
husband: You ALWAYS say NO to EVERYTHING!
wife: <temporarily loses her mind>

Bedroom remains unpainted for three more years.

Two Years

Two years ago, on the night of Monday, May 25th, 2015, I had a dream. I was driving from Boston to Bangkok to see my dear friend. I was following another car, which my friend's sister-in-law and twin brother were driving. Many people were coming to the same place in Bangkok to see my friend. By the time I got there, there was already quite a crowd. I was in the back of the crowd, and I saw my friend standing in the front with his wife, facing the people who came. It was hard for me to see him, as if he was a little bit out of focus. Then I saw a little boy, about 2 years old, standing next to me. He looked just like my friend.

I woke up at 3 am, with intense pain on the left side of my neck, and all the muscles in my body were very tense and stiff.

The next evening, I found out that my dear friend had died in a horrific rock climbing accident on May 25th. It turned out that he fell, head first and slightly to the left, and sustained fatal injuries. Much later, I also found out that his wife was pregnant. My dream was entirely too prescient.

I miss him every day. I will remember him always.

Birth Story

It only took me 1.5 years to write this birth story...

Good thing I didn’t have time to write down my birth plan because it would have gone out the window from the start.

I woke up on Wednesday morning when D kissed me goodbye. As soon as he left for work, I realized that my underwear felt wet. We were in the middle of an August heat wave, so I assumed that I had sweated through my underwear. But then it occurred to me that maybe my water had broken. There was no gush, and I felt no contractions, so I was not convinced.

Making the decision to keep going about my day, I took a shower and got dressed to go to work. Then, I made the mistake of consulting Dr. Google. The internet attacked me with scary factoids about the risk of infection, and I decided to call my doctor JUST IN CASE.

After describing my symptoms, I was told to come in to check for amniotic fluid. Still clueless, I asked if I could go to work. “No,” said the nurse. Completely convinced that this was a false alarm, I called D. “So, don’t freak out, but it’s possible that my water broke, and I have to go to the doctor’s office to confirm. It’s probably nothing, so no need to come home at this point.” He quietly pretended not to freak out.

I called my boss and told her that my water may have broken, I wasn’t coming in that day, and I would keep her posted. Little did I know that my coworkers were planning a surprise baby shower for the following day. Surprise! My baby was too impatient to wait another month until her due date.

Off to the doctor’s office I went, completely convinced that they would tell me to go home and wait for contractions to start. The nurse did three tests to confirm the presence of amniotic fluid. Two tests came back positive and one was inconclusive. I held on to that inconclusive result as my last hope that this wasn’t actually happening. So I was surprised to hear the nurse tell me to head to the hospital, where they would be expecting me.

Going to the hospital seemed ridiculous to me as I was having no contractions at all. Nevertheless, I called D and told him to get home because we had to leave for the hospital. He drove home in record time and immediately proceeded to freak out. He insisted on packing a bag and throwing our as-yet uninstalled car seat in the trunk, while I protested that we would just be sent home from the hospital to wait for contractions. Still, I agreed to take some things with us JUST IN CASE.

D had memorized three different routes to the hospital, but the one he chose that day was blocked by construction, and he had to improvise. Good thing I wasn’t riding over bumpy roads during a contraction! We got to the hospital by 2 pm and made our way to the triage room on the labor and delivery floor. As the nurses checked me in, we found out that the baby was head down (I suspected as much from all the kicks to the rib cage), sunny-side up, and I was 80% effaced and 1 cm dilated.

Then, we were told that we were assigned a room and we should get set up there. Um, WHAT? What happened to the whole concept of waiting until contractions were five minutes apart and one minute long before calling the hospital, as we were taught in our childbirth class? As I remained in denial, I told the nurses about the inconclusive amniotic fluid test. They were confused but agreed to do another test that was going to be 100% definitive. My hopes of going home were crushed when that test came back positive.

We checked into our room, a room with a gorgeous view of the Charles river. While we were admiring the view, more surprises came our way. The doctors gave me 12 hours from the time my water broke to wait until the start of contractions. If labor didn’t start by then, I would be induced via a pitocin drip. I was already expecting that, but what came as a surprise was that I wouldn’t be “allowed” to eat after starting pitocin. Um, hell no. I had done my research and concluded that the reasons for not allowing a laboring woman to eat were completely bogus. Also, denying a woman in labor nourishment must be some sort of medieval torture – if anyone needs the energy to keep going, it’s a woman in labor!

It was almost 2 pm by then, and I had only eaten breakfast. Pitocin drip was scheduled to start by 7 pm, and I was ready to eat a cow by then. We technically weren’t supposed to leave the hospital, but our wonderful nurse said “You didn’t hear it from me, but…” She recommended a good sandwich place down the street. Before we could leave, though, the nurses had to put the IV needle with a heparin lock into my arm. Later, it would be used for the pitocin drip, but meanwhile, I was to be administered antibiotics for Group B strep, JUST IN CASE I had it (my test for it was scheduled for the following day, so we didn’t know my GB strep status, which turned out to be negative).

I’d never had an IV before (except maybe during my two major surgeries in childhood, but I was knocked out for those), but I knew that phlebotomists always had a hard time finding my veins for blood draw. What I didn’t know, however, is that apparently I have “bumpy veins.” That means that the nurses blew up three of my veins before finally calling in an IV specialist. Her name was Joan, and she was a little old lady who was all business. I warned her about my “bumpy veins” and she replied that she had been doing this for thirty years, and I should lie down and give her my arm. Two seconds later, she was done.

Four new holes later, I was ready to blow that joint and get some lunch. We called it our jailbreak. It was a sight to behold: a hugely pregnant woman, with a highly conspicuous white sleeve over the heparin lock and hospital tags on the wrists, walking around the city. We made our way to the deli, ordered our food, and ate our delicious sandwiches in the park by the river. We were in no rush to get back to the hospital since I wasn’t feeling any contractions, so we decided to keep walking along the river to try to get things moving.

Jailbreak

 

The temperature was in the 90s, so despite the beautiful view, it wasn’t the most pleasant walk. Still, it was better than being stuck in a hospital room. We were out for so long, that the doctors started calling our cell phones and suggesting that maybe we should get back to the hospital. It was around 5 pm, and I was in no mood for pitocin. As a last-minute stalling tactic, I suggested that we install the car seat “while the car is parked in a nice, level hospital parking lot.” D agreed, and we proceeded to install the car seat. By “we” I mean that D was doing all the installing, and I was standing around looking hugely pregnant and providing useless suggestions.

With the car seat installed, and no contractions in sight, I was all out of stalling tactics, so we headed back to our room. By 7 pm, the pitocin drip was started. The initial dose was very low, and the nurse was to increase it every half an hour or so, depending on progression. Nothing was happening for a while, and we were getting bored. So, we decided to start a salsa party. D turned on the salsa station on Pandora, and we began to dance. It was a bit cumbersome (you try doing the right turn with an IV drip in your arm and two fetal monitors on your round belly), but it definitely cheered us up. Despite the excellent soundproofing of the labor rooms, we must have been making a lot of noise because our nurse came to check on us and wondered what on earth we were doing. I said that we were having a salsa party, to which she replied that I was clearly not in labor and she upped the pitocin.

There was a change of nurses at some point as our nurse’s shift came to an end. The new nurse was not nearly as friendly, but she knew what she was doing and mostly left us alone, which was fine by me. Sometime around 11 pm (still no contractions), the nurse became concerned because one of the fetal monitors was indicating some fetal distress. She turned off the pitocin and monitored the situation. The real situation wasn’t fetal distress, though. It was maternal distress. More specifically, I was getting hungry and the hospital cafeteria wasn’t allowed to give me food. We did sneak in some granola bars into the hospital during our jailbreak, but they didn’t seem appealing to me. In the greatest irony of the hospital rules, my husband was allowed to order food for himself (this was included in our stay). I told him to order enough for two, and when the nurse left our room, I snuck some of his dinner into my hungry belly. The fetal monitor went back to normal.

The pitocin was restarted around midnight, and this time, the contractions kicked in almost immediately. D fell asleep on the “partner” chair while I dealt with the waves of contractions. Immediately, it became clear to me that lying on my back was uncomfortable. I was having back labor and the only tolerable position was being on all-fours, or some variation of bending forward. The nurse came in, saw me breathing through a contraction, and told me to get some rest. She said that this was the easier part, and I would need energy for when the contractions would get more intense. But I couldn’t rest at all. Perhaps it was due to the pitocin, but my contractions were intense from the beginning. Yes, they got stronger and longer and more painful and closer together as the labor continued, but there was no way I could rest or sleep through any of it. Particularly because I hadn’t learned how to sleep on all-fours in my childbirth class.

The contractions were growing more intense, and more than anything, I wanted to get in the tub. But I was told that I couldn’t labor in the tub because my water had broken (turns out, that’s a bogus reason). Finally, my nurse suggested that I could stand in the shower as long as I kept the fetal monitors on my belly and did not get my heparin lock wet. I was happy to get in the shower to run water on my lower back, which provided a tiny bit of relief from my awful back labor. However, I still had to keep bending forward because any other position was intolerable, and this was causing the fetal monitors to slip off my giant, wet belly. D had to hold both monitors in place from outside the shower. To say that we were both stuck in awkward positions would be an understatement.

Meanwhile, the contractions were becoming REALLY intense and painful. And I couldn’t stand in the forward-bend position any more, my thighs were shaking by that point. It was probably around 3:45 am, which meant that I had spent almost four hours exercising my thigh muscles in that forward-bend position. I decided to get out of the shower.

In intense pain, I asked the nurse how much longer this was going to go on. What could she say? She replied that she didn’t know, and it’s possible that I’m only half-way there. I was crushed and doubted my ability to keep going without an epidural if this was the level of pain that I was experiencing only half-way through labor. I was very set on having as intervention-free birth as possible, and the pitocin was already undermining my plan. D reminded me of my epidural-free plan (as I had asked him to do in advance). The nurse offered the epidural, and I said no. However, we decided to have her check on my progress. The nurses weren’t checking on my dilation progress because my water had broken and they didn’t want to risk an infection. But it was time for me to know how far I had advanced.

I got onto the bed, on my back (ouch!), and the nurse checked my cervix. Surprised and delighted, she said: “You are nine centimeters dilated! You’ve been working hard, kiddo.” Nine centimeters! That was the best news I got all night. I wasn’t halfway through labor, I was getting close to the end! That little bit of information gave me the extra jolt of energy to keep going.

It was around 4 am, and the nurse paged the OB on call to come in. The OB arrived, and suddenly I felt the unmistakable urge to push. In preparation for labor, I had read books and birth stories, and I was always frustrated to hear that one would just KNOW when it was time to push. How would I know? What if I didn’t know? But, now I get it. It wasn’t that I consciously made the decision to push. My body NEEDED to push, and I couldn’t stop it if I wanted to.

The concept of time became hazy. I was almost completely unaware of the people present in the room. It was dark, my glasses were off, and I had only one purpose in mind at that moment. I became vaguely aware of a small crowd of people near the entrance of the room, but I didn’t care about them in the least. (Turns out, they were residents and a pediatrician, and maybe some other people whose function I never learned.) I pushed with all my strength, but turned out my pushing wasn’t very effective. The nurse and the doctor guided me to direct my energy toward my belly, and spend less energy grunting. Somehow, I understood what they meant, and my pushes became more productive.

Suddenly, I felt enormous pressure, and blurted out: “I feel like this baby is going to come out of my ass!” Very ladylike, I know. The nurse replied: “Sounds about right.” A few more pushes (which had to go slow to avoid tearing), a burning sensation, and the head was out. Then the doctor told me I had to stop pushing, and she unwrapped two loops of the umbilical cord from around the baby's neck. One more big push, and at 4:26 am, after 35 weeks and 6 days of gestation, my daughter was born into the world.

That time when I was clueless

The story in my family goes that I did not sleep through the night until I was three years old. Whenever that story would come up, I would chuckle and comment on how I must have been a difficult baby. That was before I became a mother. Now that I have a baby of my own, I wonder how my mother survived those three years (answer: she had lots of help from her parents as three generations lived under one roof).

The point is, before I had my baby, I was completely clueless about what it's like to be a mother. This was true even despite all the stories I'd heard about my own childhood, despite the stories my own friends shared with me. In the world of science, we talk about the known unknowns and the unknown unknowns. I thought I had prepared myself somewhat for the known unknowns by reading a ton about pregnancy and childbirth, by taking childbirth and breastfeeding classes, and by mostly avoiding extreme parenting books.

But then, there were the unknown unknowns. Which really could have been known to me if only I had paused to consider them. Why hadn't I educated myself about infant sleep, knowing that as a baby, I didn't sleep for longer than 40 minutes at a time? Why didn't I bother to read even a single book about breastfeeding when I knew that my mom had so much trouble with it, she couldn't do it for longer than three months?

I was so stupidly confident that breastfeeding would just work out that I was caught completely off-guard by those first few months. I have to preface this by saying that breastfeeding DID work out for us in the end, and I am so grateful for it, especially knowing what I know now about how difficult of an experience it could be and often is for many moms. But when my preemie daughter couldn't latch on in those first several crucial days, I didn't know that she would lose too much weight and then take a month to get back to her birth weight. When she finally did latch on, she showed strong preference for one breast over the other, and I had no idea that this would permanently make my milk supply lopsided, something that could have been prevented if I had known to pump the unfavorable side until the baby figured out how to nurse equilaterally. And when she suddenly started nursing for one hour at a time, eight times a day, at the age of one month, I almost lost my mind as I was unprepared for nursing being a full time job. If only I had educated myself about how common acid reflux is in premies, maybe we could have gotten treatment for my baby sooner, and both of us could have been less miserable.

When it comes to sleep, I was always playing catchup. It wasn't until I became a mother that I understood what continuous sleep deprivation is really like. When my daughter was six weeks old, I had a breakdown. In the haze of complete exhaustion, I mustered up enough determination to strap her into the carrier (the only way she would fall asleep) and leave the house. I walked to our neighborhood bookstore and headed for the parenting section. There I discovered a number of books about babies and sleep, all of them telling me that babies reach their peak fussiness at six weeks of age. A glimmer of hope appeared on the horizon... until I read that this only applies to full-term infants, and the peak fussiness for preemies occurs at six weeks after due date. I had four more weeks to go. Then I found a book that promised a fool-proof method of getting your fussy baby to sleep. (You can all laugh at with me now.) Apparently, I was supposed to be putting my baby on a strict nursing/napping schedule from day one, and then by six weeks, my baby would be sleeping through the night. The dictatorial tone of the book annoyed me, but in my desperation I decided that I had nothing to lose by trying to put my baby on a schedule as soon as possible. I marched home and didn't waste a second writing out a detailed schedule on the whiteboard on our refrigerator. I announced to anyone who would listen that from now on, we will be instituting a strict schedule for the baby, and no deviations were allowed under any circumstances.

There was a flaw in the plan, though. Turned out my daughter didn't think she needed to be on my made-up schedule, and she was going to be not sleeping on her own schedule, thankyouverymuch. I've learned since then to watch for my baby's cues and respect her internal clock that wires her to sleep at certain hours of the day, which have nothing to do with my desires. I've also learned a ton about infants and sleep and what I can expect in the coming months (the main thing being that once you think you have it figured out, it changes). So you could say that my two original big unknowns, sleep and breastfeeding, have since become "known" variables. But I can't help but wonder what unknown unknowns are not even on my radar as we approach toddlerhood and beyond.

Compartmentalized time

Parenthood has redefined the concept of time for me in so many ways. In those early sleep-deprived, hazy weeks, the days seemed so long. Getting through the day was so challenging, that I could not fathom being able to get through weeks, months of caring for an infant. Eight months later, the days are still long (though much more manageable). But the months are very, very short. I cannot believe that my baby is approaching the one-year mark, and her first birthday will be here before we know it. She is closer to toddlerhood than to her newborn days, she is starting to wean (a whole other blog post), and she is growing up so quickly that I find myself scrambling to pause and commit to memory the wonderful, fleeting moments we share together now.

So, the cliche that the days are long but the years are short turned out to be true. But time has been altered for me in other ways as well. There are so many every day things that need to be done, items that need to be checked off the to-do list before I go to sleep, and freelance work to be completed before the deadline. In my pre-baby life, my time was structured. An eight-hour work day allowed me to focus on my work long enough to get into the groove of the project and get into the flow that led to an efficient completion of the task at hand. In other words, I had the luxury (yes, I think of an eight-hour work day as a luxury now) to allocate a significant amount of time to a project.

I miss being able to get into that rhythm, the "flow" mindset. My time has become compartmentalized by naps, nursing sessions, playtime, outdoors time, meals, and diaper changes. As a result, even things that I enjoy doing around the house, like organizing a closet, have been put on the backburner indefinitely. I never feel like I have enough time to complete a task in one go, and I don't give myself the freedom to leave a project half undone (the thought of having the closet innards spread out on the floor for 24 hours gives me the hives). And so, I end up not even starting on my to-do list because I am paralyzed by the thought of being unable to finish it.

This is not a unique problem. I have read plenty of advice (and there is SO much advice out there for new mothers, solicited or not) on being efficient and getting as much done as possible during nap time, etc. On a rare occasion, I do feel efficient, like I've accomplished something. But most of the time, shit just doesn't get done. Closets remain messy, blog posts remain unwritten, the pantry remains unpainted, and exercise remains a wishful thought. This is why I can only get my freelance work done at night, after everybody else goes to sleep. I know that I would have a couple of uninterrupted, quality hours to get my work done, and I am able to get in the flow. This is also why I continue to be sleep-deprived.

I haven't come up with a brilliant solution to this problem. If you are a parent, how do you manage to use your time efficiently? How do you get all the things done? Or, do you?

Cloth Diapers

Before our daughter was born, we considered using cloth diapers instead of disposables. I did not know much about cloth diapering at the time, but I was inspired by this post at Young House Love. There is a ton of information out there on the different types of diapers, and there are even classes one could attend to learn about the different options. I found this 7-part video useful in figuring out what types of cloth diapers would best suit our family. Also, Amanda at Poppies and Ice-cream has a good overview of the cloth diaper options and some of the reasons for using them.

CHOOSING CLOTH DIAPERS

After educating ourselves about our options, we decided that we would go with the bumGenius Elemental All-In-One One-Size cloth diapers. We liked the ease of an all-in-one (AIO) diaper, since it requires no "assembly" or taking apart for laundry. We also liked that the insert inside the diaper was 100% organic cotton. I was also happy to find out that these diapers are made in the U.S. I found many reviews on the internet comparing the Elementals with other diapers, and people seemed to be generally happy with this diaper in terms of its performance (durability, no leaks, no blowouts, etc.). (Note that the Elementals were redesigned in February 2013, so any reviews written prior to that refer to the old version of these diapers. Here is a comparison of the old and new Elementals.)

This all sounded great to us, but we knew that these diapers, despite being one-size (the size is adjustable, as I will explain later), are too large for babies under 10-12 pounds. Since our daughter was a small 6-pounder, we knew we would have to figure out an alternative diapering solution until she grew enough to fit into the Elementals. We decided to start with disposable diapers and switch to cloth diapers when she was ready.

SWITCHING FROM DISPOSABLES

Well, I have to say, it was easy to get used to disposable diapers. So convenient to simply toss the soiled diaper, along with the disposable wipes, into the diaper pail and forget about it (at least, until the diaper pail starts smelling up the room)! But we ran into a problem. Our daughter developed a nasty diaper rash with every kind of disposable diaper and wipe that we tried, and we had to constantly battle this rash for three months. It was painful to see her red, raw bum every time I changed her diaper. We had to use a diaper rash cream at every diaper change, and even that helped only infrequently.

I suspected that her skin was sensitive to some chemicals, either in the diapers or the wipes (which are soaked in alcohol), or both. We brought this up to our pediatrician early on and asked if there would be any benefit to switching to cloth diapers in order to stop this rash. Our doctor told us that usually babies get a WORSE diaper rash with cloth diapers because they are less absorbent than disposables. This made us wary of switching to cloth diapers, but after three months of almost constant diaper rash, we didn't have much to lose (except a few hundred bucks, I guess). We took the plunge and purchased our Elementals. And wouldn't you know it, our daughter's diaper rash disappeared within days! We have been cloth diapering for three months now, and she only has an occasional, mild diaper rash that quickly goes away (usually on its own). I wish we would have switched to cloth diapers sooner.

SUPPLIES FOR CLOTH DIAPERING

Here is what we bought to get us started on cloth diapers. We ordered sixteen bumGenius Elemental diapers in four colors (four of each): grasshopper (green), butternut (yellow), light blue (twilight), and light turquoise (mirror). A couple of months later, we bought four more diapers because sixteen was not enough to get us through two days between laundry cycles.

We also bought cloth wipes (mostly Grovia, but also a few of the more expensive Thirsties), for a total of 30 count. We keep them in two Huggies wipe boxes that we already had from our disposables days.

Unlike the disposable wipes, the cloth wipes are dry. But wipes are more effective at their job if they are moistened. We chose not to use any special wipe solution (plenty are marketed out there for this purpose), and simply use water. We keep a small spray bottle filled with water near the changing table, and spray the wipes as necessary before use. We find that using cloth wipes is easy and convenient, since they go in the laundry together with the diapers and don't require and additional maintenance.

For storage of dirty diapers and wipes, we bought two Planet Wise wetbags in size large (one in Owl, and one in April Flowers). I know some people throw these in the laundry together with the diapers, but we wash them with the baby clothes load instead. We do this because the diapers go through a hot wash, and these bags are not designed to withstand repeated cycles of hot temperature (the lining that keeps the odors in can degrade over time). So we wash them on a cold cycle with other baby stuff.

USING CLOTH DIAPERS

After pre-washing the diapers according to instructions, the first thing we had to figure out was the sizing. AIO means that the diaper has snaps that adjust to three different size settings: small, medium, and large.

Small

Medium

Large

In theory, the small setting should fit babies 8-16 pounds, the medium is for 17-22 pounds, and the large is for 23-35 pounds. However, keep in mind, that these diapers are really too big for an 8-pound baby, and don't really fit well until 10-12 pounds because they are too bulky on smaller babies. Also, as the bumGenius FAQs mention, babies frequently change shape as they grow, so you may find yourself using a larger setting on a younger baby, or a smaller setting on an older one. When we started cloth diapering, our baby was about 11 pounds, and the small setting was too small for her. At 6 months, she is 14.5 pounds, and we have been using the medium setting almost the entire time so far (with an occasional need to use the large setting).

In addition to the three rows of snaps that adjust the size of the diaper, there are two rows of ten snaps that adjust its circumference in order to accommodate the varying shapes and sizes of babies. The nice thing about having two rows is that each row can be adjusted individually. For example, our baby has a smaller waist but chunky thighs, so we adjust the top row tighter than the bottom row (which makes the opening for the legs wider).

After figuring out the size, we had to deal with the absorbent cotton insert. At the largest size setting, the insert is fully unfolded, but at the other two size settings, it needs to be folded in some way.

Unfolded insert

Because we are using the diaper at the medium size setting, we have to fold the insert. We've tried several methods, keeping in mind that (according to bumGenius), it is better to fold the extra fabric toward the back for girls and toward the front for boys. Here is how we fold our inserts nowadays:

We take the extra fabric and fold it approximately in the middle, and then fold down toward the back of the diaper (which is on the right-hand size of this photo). We also tried folding it another way, but found that it created too much bulk in the back for a baby who spends much of her time lying on her back. In this alternative folding method, the extra fabric is tucked in under a fold toward the back of the diaper.

I should mention that all this folding is necessary because the insert is not removable, as it is sewn into the leak-proof cover.

We store our cloth diapers near the changing pad in a pretty box that I bought at Michaels. We used to use the same box for storing our disposables. Our changing pad and all diaper supplies are actually on top of a dresser that we use to store baby clothes (which makes diaper and clothes changes very convenient), so any extra clean diapers are stored in one of the dresser drawers (I can fit approximately 8 cloth diapers into the box). The dirty diapers are stored in a wetbag, which we used to hang on a hook off the side of the dresser. However, we found that opening and closing the bag released the odors into the room, and the odors lingered long enough to bother us, so we moved the wetbag out of the room. For now, it hangs on the handle of the bathroom door until we figure out something more permanent.

The dirty wipes and wet diapers go directly into the wetbag. Before throwing the soiled diapers in there as well, we spray off the poop into the toilet using a diaper sprayer that we installed into the plumbing of our toilet. Spraying the poop off the diaper helps minimize (if not eliminate) poop stains on the cotton insert. By the way, poop stains are just a reality of life when it comes to cloth diapers. If a clean diaper comes out of the wash stained, you can be sure that it is clean and sanitized. The stains can be easily removed by drying the diapers in the sun (the sun does an excellent job of bleaching the diapers), or by adding bleach to the wash cycle once a month.

One other thing I want to mention about using the cloth diapers is related to the diaper rash. On the few occasions that we've had to use a diaper rash cream with cloth diapers, we used the California Baby diaper rash cream because it is safe for cloth diapers. Most diaper rash creams contain petroleum jelly, which covers the cloth diaper insert in a layer of petroleum that causes the diaper to repel liquid instead of absorb it.

LAUNDERING CLOTH DIAPERS

Laundering the Elementals is a long process. The diapers are supposed to go through a soak cycle, a hot wash, and a rinse cycle. Because we have a front-load high efficiency washer, there is no soak cycle, so our first step is a full cold-water cycle with one scoop of detergent. We use Eco Sprout detergent (I like the smell of the Green Tea version), and we are quite happy with it so far. For the next step, the hot wash, we use two scoops of detergent. Along with the rinse cycle, it takes about 3.5 hours to wash the diapers. We then put the diapers in the dryer for 60 minutes on medium heat. Sometimes, that is enough to thoroughly dry the diapers, but sometimes we have to run the dryer for another 20 minutes.

The only minus I could mention about these diapers is that they take a long time to dry. And line-drying them takes forever (but does have the added sun-bleaching benefit if you happen to have a sunny day). In order to speed up the drying process, we separate the two layers of the diaper insert after the diapers come out of the wash, like this:

This definitely helps decrease the drying time. We also tried adding wool dryer balls to the dryer, as they are supposed to reduce drying time and reduce static. However, they were not reducing static or drying time, and instead were leaving wool strings all over the diapers and wipes, so we stopped using them.

TRAVELING WITH CLOTH DIAPERS

So far, we've done only day trips with cloth diapers, taking enough diapers with us to last the day. We usually put the dirty diaper into a ziploc bag while we are out and about. Someday, we might purchase a smaller wetbag for that purpose.

For the one week-long trip that we've done with the baby so far, we were not brave enough to take the cloth diapers with us. We used disposables instead, and of course the diaper rash came back almost right away. In the future, I think we will take cloth diapers with us if we travel somewhere where we can easily do laundry (for example, when visiting my parents).

ARE WE HAPPY WITH CLOTH DIAPERS?

Overall, we are really happy that we switched to cloth diapers. Not only does our baby no longer have a diaper rash, but we are also saving money in the long run, and we feel good about not contributing tons of plastic waste to the landfills. Yes, cloth diapering requires a bit more work than disposables (and certainly more laundry), but for us it is the right choice, and we plan to continue cloth diapering until our daughter is potty-trained.

WAHM

Remember how I wrote about leaving my job and being a stay-at-home mom for the first year of my daughter's life? Well, things have changed a bit, and as of today, I am working from home as a freelance medical writer. Because I am still taking care of my baby full time, my freelance hours are very limited. Nevertheless, I believe this officially makes me a work-at-home mom!

This opportunity came about when my old company that I left after giving birth offered me to work for them on a freelance basis. This was back in November, and I was not ready then. But they contacted me again in December, and this time I was up for it. This was mostly due to the fact that my daughter was sleeping through the night. I know, I have that unicorn baby that started sleeping 11 hours at night at the age of 3.5 months. But don't hate me yet because she is going through the infamous 4 month sleep regression now, and we are no longer sleeping through the night!

Even though I am now sleep deprived again, I am very excited about starting my freelancing gig. For one, it will be a welcome change to exercise my brain muscle and think about non-baby related things. But also, it makes me feel that my career is no longer on hold, that there is some continuity to it. Lastly, it's always nice to have a little extra income, however small it may be.

Speaking of income: with this freelancing gig, I have accomplished something that I had never done before in my entire life. I negotiated my salary. I was offered an hourly rate that I felt was too low, given my experience, the fact that the company was reaching out to me rather than the other way around, and the fact that they had to make it worth my time, which I could otherwise spend sleeping. Feeling that I had the upper hand, and nothing to lose, I counter offered with a higher rate that I felt was fair. To my surprise, it worked! I got the rate that I wanted without further negotiations! This experience taught me a valuable lesson that I should have learned ages ago - it never hurts to ask.

With this freelance job, I am commencing a new balancing act of taking care of my baby full-time while also working part-time. I'm not the first to manage this, others have done this quite successfully, so I will learn from and be inspired by all the awesome moms around me. How are you maintaining the baby/work/home balance (if it can be called that)?

Baby Gear

Before our baby was born, we started getting ready for her arrival by spending tons of money on baby gear. We managed to get the basics before her early arrival, and caught up on the rest later. Though it's misleading to say that we "caught up" as we are still hemorrhaging money on baby stuff on a regular basis (my credit card statements look like this: Target, Amazon, Amazon, Target, Target, Netflix, Amazon, Amazon, Target, Amazon, etc).

Here is my review of some of the "essential" baby items that we've purchased:

Baby gear

1. One of the first items that we purchased was a crib. Keeping in mind our color scheme for the baby room (white/gray/turquoise/yellow), we decided that we wanted a white crib with a modern look to it. I searched for a crib that was made of solid wood (to avoid potential fumes from glue used in MDF) and had extra storage (as we live in a small place and always lack storage space). After much research, we decided to go with Babyletto Mercer 3-in-1 crib in white. It has multiple levels for the mattress and converts into a daybed and a toddler bed. This crib is almost entirely made of solid wood, with the exception of the drawer, which is MDF. I made peace with that because this crib was already on the higher end of our price range ($400), and the other options that had the modern look to them and were 100% solid wood were much pricier. We are very happy with this crib, and the drawer provides the much needed space to store extra diapers and other supplies.

For the record, our baby didn't like sleeping in the crib for a long time. I think it felt too huge for her, after the tight comfort of the womb. We borrowed a bassinet from our friends, and she slept in it for about a month until she grew out of it.

2. We splurged on the crib mattress, as we decided to buy an organic mattress that didn't emit crazy fumes from the fire retardant treatments that are sprayed all over baby stuff. During pregnancy, I was like a blood hound, super sensitive to smells of any kind. We bought the Naturepedic Organic Cotton Lightweight Classic Crib Mattress, which is very firm and has the added bonus of weighing only 11 pounds, making sheet changes a breeze. We love this mattress, and our daughter has grown used to sleeping in the crib lately, so she seems happy to sleep on this mattress as well nowadays.

3. I was excited about crib sheets because there are so many beautiful options out there, and this was my chance to bring the yellow and turquoise/aqua colors into the baby room. Besides the colors, I also looked for something that was 100% cotton. We originally bought three crib sheets from Land of Nod: aqua, yellow with white dots, and blue waves. The sheets fit our crib mattress snug (like they are supposed to), and held up well through many washes. However, while these sheets are truly beautiful, I can't really say that they are very soft. That's one of the drawbacks to online shopping: you can't feel the texture of what you are buying. We resorted to putting a receiving blanket over the sheet to make a softer surface for our baby to sleep on. Since it is winter now, we bought another sheet that is flannel, and while it is quite plain, it is also very soft.

4. Funny story about the infant car seat: we bought it in July, but by the time I was admitted to the hospital for delivery, we still had not installed it. We had the presence of mind to throw it in the trunk of the car when we left for the hospital, and D ended up installing it right in the hospital parking lot the night before our baby was born. We bought the Chicco KeyFit 30 Infant Car Seat in Pulse for several reasons. It had good reviews, is known for easy installation (which turned out to be true), goes up to 30 pounds (in terms of baby weight, though I can't imagine lugging such a heavy baby around in a car seat), and has an infant insert, which turned out to hold our tiny baby pretty well. I am generally happy with our car seat. If I were to change anything about it, it would be to give it a larger canopy, but that's a very minor detail. The red color was D's choice, and while I wouldn't normally go for red, I must say that I ended up really liking this color.

5. When choosing a stroller, we kept in mind that it had to be lightweight, easy to fold down and store, and small enough to fit into the trunk of my not-very-big car. We decided that the easiest option for us in the beginning would be getting a stroller frame for the infant car seat. So far, it's been working out really well. The small footprint of this stroller has the added bonus of being easy to navigate on the city streets and in tight aisles of the grocery stores. It's also really easy to snap the car seat into the frame (there is no way to screw it up). The only drawback is that once our baby grows out of the infant car seat, we will have to get another stroller, but that could be a long way down the road since we don't have a big baby.

6. I had two criteria for choosing a diaper bag: one, it has to be practical, and two, it had to look good. Most diaper bags fit the first criteria but not the second. I read a lot of reviews on diaper bags, and it seemed to me that the biggest complaint was that the bags didn't fit all the things that the mamas wanted to fit into them. But as the reviewers listed all the things they tried to cram into the bags, I wondered why they need to carry SO MUCH STUFF with them! You might think that I was naive in my pre-baby way of thinking, but I have to say that the diaper bag I chose had those same complaints in the reviews, and yet I am very, very happy with its capacity and its appearance. The diaper bag I bought is the JJ Cole Swag Diaper Bag in Silver Drop, and I highly recommend it. Yes, it still looks like a diaper bag, but it looks stylish and doesn't break the bank.

7. About six weeks after our baby was born, I felt like I was going to go insane. We hadn't bought anything like a rock-n-play or a bouncer to put the baby in, and she was too small for any carrier at that time, which meant that the only way to keep the baby from screaming her head off was to carry her around everywhere. I learned to do everything one-handed: eat breakfast, fold laundry, make the bed (haha, just kidding! no one made the bed back then). But really, sometimes, I needed a break from being permanently attached to the baby. She was too big for the bassinet (which we used to put on the table in the kitchen and lay the baby in it so she could hang out with us during meals), and didn't want to stay in the crib or play by herself (we later got an activity mat with hanging toys, and she now enjoys independent playtime). So, we finally bought a bouncer. And the baby hated it. I think it's because she was too small for it at that time. I also hated it because it was a pain to assemble, and the vibrations and the tunes didn't even work. The defective bouncer went back to the store. A couple of weeks later, two months in, we bought a different bouncer: Fisher-Price Deluxe Bouncer in My Little Snugabunny. I went back and forth about whether to splurge on the MamaRoo bouncer, but in the end couldn't justify spending that much money on something the baby may or may not like, and something that would only be useful for a few months anyway. In any case, we lucked out with the bouncer we bought: she likes it, and takes really good naps in it during the day. And I use both hands to eat nowadays.

8. Ahh, baby wearing. I must say that I really enjoy it. Before I did any major research into baby carriers, I was mostly aware of two types: a wrap-type carrier and a structured carrier. Turns out, there are many more types of carriers out there. After reading about the many types, I decided that a soft-structure carrier was best for me. The Moby wrap intimidated me, and the slings appeared to unevenly distribute weight to one shoulder (though I never tried them, so this may not be true). I really wanted to invest in only one carrier that would last me a long time. Mostly, I heard about BabyBjorn and Ergo, so at first I wasn't even aware of other options. The reviews and experiences of other parents with these two carriers worried me - BabyBjorn appeared to cause back problems when the baby grew heavier, and the Ergo required an infant insert (which is very warm and would not work for us in the first, warmer months) until the baby was 12 pounds. The Ergo also seemed difficult to put on because it has a strap across the top of the back. I was looking for a carrier that would be suitable for a tiny baby without an insert, would provide back support for when the baby grows, and would be easy to put on. The Beco Gemini baby carrier met all my requirements (it is suitable for babies as small as 7 pounds), and I've been very happy with it. We bought the Beco in Stella color scheme.

There were a few other items we needed right away for the baby: storage for clothes and diapering supplies. We had a dresser that we dedicated for storage of baby clothes and other baby paraphernalia (which means that we currently don't have a dresser for ourselves, a problem that we hope to address once the baby actually moves to her own room). Instead of buying a changing table (for which we have no room), we put a changing pad on top of the dresser. Speaking of changing pads, buying one was less straightforward than one might think. I ordered a standard changing pad on Amazon (I think it was Summer Infant brand, which came recommended), and when it arrived it reeked of chemicals. My then-pregnant blood-hound nose couldn't handle it. I tried to air it out for a couple of weeks, but the stench would not go away. I returned the changing pad and decided that I had to buy one in person, even if it meant spending more money on it. I couldn't risk another odor debacle. So I went to Babies R Us and sniffed every changing pad they had (I will pause while you deal with that mental image). Finally, I settled on a Serta contour changing pad. Sure, I could have bought an organic changing pad that would not have smelled at all, but I wasn't willing to spend $100 on it. It seemed less important to have an organic changing pad than an organic crib mattress, where the baby would spend much of her sleeping time.

I also decided to buy a changing pad cover because my baby did not enjoy being naked on the cold plastic of the changing pad. I bought Aden + Anais bamboo cover in aqua. It is very soft and goes well with our color scheme. However, after three months of many washes, it has shrunk and no longer fits well on our changing pad. I am having a hard time finding a soft changing pad cover that isn't polyester-based and won't shrink over time. In desperation, I've ordered two more Aden + Anais covers, but any recommendations are welcome.

Baby-related expenses are never-ending, and we are buying more baby items as we need them (for example, we just bought a travel crib for upcoming travels), but these are the basics that we found useful in the first several months of baby's life. What is on your list of must-have or nice-to-have baby items?

Maternity Leave

If I had taken the "standard" 12 week, unpaid maternity leave that is available to (some) women in the United States, I would have been back at work by now.

But, I did not qualify for maternity leave. Instead, I quit my job.

How is it possible that I did not qualify for maternity leave? Well, under the Family Medical Leave Act (FMLA), a primary caregiver is entitled to 12 weeks unpaid leave under some circumstances, including a birth of a child, with a few caveats. One of those caveats is that you had to have worked at your current company for at least 1 year before taking leave. I was only there for seven months, so strike one against me.

Individual states have their own maternity leave policies in addition to the FMLA. In Massachusetts, there is the Massachusetts Maternity Leave Act (MMLA), which allows for 8 weeks of unpaid leave (woo hoo, how generous). My employer told me that to be eligible for MMLA, I had to have worked at the company for 6 months after the probationary period, which was 6 months, which brings us back to the 1 year requirement. Strike two against me. (I just found out that this was actually incorrect information: all that was required was the completion of the probationary period, or at least 3 months, which means I should have been eligible for MMLA. But still, 8 weeks???)

Other than New Jersey and California, I am not aware of any states that provide for any kind of (miserly) pay during maternity leave. However, some people use short term disability benefits during leave. While it does provide some sort of income, it irks me to lump birth and postpartum period into something defined as a disability. Nevertheless, I was told that, once again, I had to have worked for the company for at least one year to be able to claim disability (which, in itself, is ridiculous - what if I had an actual disability develop before that year was up?). Strike three against me.

Given that I wasn't eligible for any maternity leave or pay whatsoever, but I was still planning to give birth and care for the newborn baby, I decided to leave my job. I ended up in this situation because, obviously, we have some family-friendly policies in this country. Instead of being bitter about the situation, I decided to think of it as an unpaid version of the European-style maternity leave (or Canadian, for that matter). I recognize that I am very, very lucky that our family is able to live on one salary for some period of time, and so I decided to take a year off to stay home with the baby before returning back into the workforce. (I have no delusions that it will be easy to find a job in this economy, so stay tuned for that adventure.)

This decision left me feeling very conflicted. I have never envisioned myself as a stay-at-home mom, but that is essentially what I am at the moment. Three months in, I have to say that I have developed even more respect for stay-at-home parents, because it literally is the hardest job I've ever had to do. Things are getting better around here these days (no, the baby is not sleeping through the night yet). But the first 2.5 months were brutal. There were days where I told my husband I wouldn't make it. The continuous sleep deprivation, the constant baby cycle of nursing, refusing to nap, and screaming added up, and there were several nights and days when I broke down. The unsustainable (lack of) routine hit its peak around 6 weeks postpartum. A couple of weeks later, we realized that our baby has acid reflux, but that is a post for another day. Anyway, 3 months in, things are improving greatly, and we are developing a routine with the baby, which helps immensely.

So, on one hand, I was exhausted and had moments where I really, really wanted to be at work and not stuck at home with a screaming infant. On the other hand, my daughter is changing so quickly that on a weekly, daily basis, she surprises me with something new - swatting at toys, chatting, smiling. It is so rewarding to be there to witness these moments, I wouldn't trade them for anything.

On the third hand, we have the issue of the ridiculous cost of daycare in our area. Let's put some numbers out there: did you know that to have your infant (6 weeks to about 1 year old) in a daycare center full time (which could be from 8 am to 3 pm, not exactly coinciding with a full work day) would cost you about $2500 a month? No, that is not a typo. So, just considering the financial side of things, forgetting for the moment about my own feelings and emotions about the situation, I would have to have a pretty well-paying job in order to make it worth my time to work and pay for daycare. Putting the emotions back into the equation, I would have to really love my job to consider shelling out this much money for daycare AND being away from my baby.

(Huge note to the internet: all these musings and considerations are made possible only by the fact that our family is able to survive on one salary for the time being, which I realize is not a situation for everyone, so please don't take anything I say personally. This is just my own thoughts about our specific situation. Same goes for all the emotional stuff I am writing about. I have all the respect in the world for working parents, stay-at-home parents, and work-at-home parents. All these choices require hard decisions and sacrifices, however different they may be individually.)

So, for the time being, I am adjusting to life as a stay-at-home mom, and I am trying to be as grateful about it as possible. It's an uphill battle, but I am stubborn, and I am winning.