I was prepared this time. After getting the hair dye all over the bathroom (but not my gray hair) during my last near-sighted attempt, I figured out that the key to successfully dying my hair was to actually be able to see what I'm doing. Genius, right? So I went digging into the depths of our bathroom vanity cabinet and fished out my two-year-old contact lenses. Given that my vision deteriorates every year, and I almost never wear contacts, these lenses weren't going to give me 20/20 vision. But it was better than nothing. At the very least, the hair on my head came into focus and no longer looked like a blob in the mirror.
With the contacts in, I recalled the disaster that my bathroom turned into last time, after the hair dye bottle projectile vomited its purple contents all over every (white) surface. Determined to avoid the clean up that followed, I cut up a plastic bag and covered the sink as best I could. I also brought in some paper towels, figuring it couldn't hurt JUST IN CASE. As I wrapped the towel around myself, almost ready to start, another brilliant idea came to me - why not use a paper clip to hold the towel in place? (Because, as it turned out, the paper clip will do nothing to keep the towel above the boob line, AND you would still need to use dye covered hands to remove said paper clip after completely giving up on the towel and just dying your hair stark naked.)
And so, I began. Feeling (a bit) like a pro, I mixed the dye and the activator together, barely stopping to read the instructions. I shook the bottle, and didn't even make a mess (much). I expertly applied the dye to my hair, including the front of the hairline, and even successfully made parts in my hair with the bottle applicator. Everything was going so well! Until three quarters of the way in, the dye stopped coming out of the bottle. The reason for this remains a mystery. Squeezing the bottle and cursing at it surprisingly didn't help. But I wasn't going to give up so easily. Screw the applicator, I thought, as I untwisted the cap from the bottle and bravely poured the remaining contents into my gloved hands. I'll just apply this goop to my hair manually. In fact, it will be even better that way because I can just spread it all over my head and cover ALL THE GRAYS.
Satisfied with the coverage of goop on my hair, I remained in my stinky bathroom for the next ten minutes (without a towel at this point, which had slid down to my hips before I gave up on it). Because I had the advantage of being able to see, I examined my hairline and was dismayed to discover that some stubborn gray hairs refused to be covered by the goop. They just stuck out a couple of inches from my head in defiance. I tried to beat them into submission, but to no avail. Oh well, I thought, I'll get you next time, sucker.
Did I mention that I was trying out a different hair color this time? Having dyed my hair too dark last time, I went for a lighter shade called "Medium Golden Brown". Let's just say the name is misleading. So is the little image on the back of the box that shows what color your hair would be, depending on what color you start with. It turned out that I fell outside of the standard deviation of their expected results. After uneventfully rinsing my hair and setting the color with the conditioner that came with the kit, I stepped out of the shower and looked in the mirror. Something was definitely off. For one, the grays were not covered. But more disturbingly, the hair that used to be normal, now appeared to be... orange. And it was not even uniformly orange, it was orange in several spots. It appeared as if I were looking to change my career to a circus clown, not a science writer.
Until next time.
P.S. Good thing I write this blog. I just realized that I went three months without dying my hair. Good job at failing to be a woman, Anna.